Skywards
by Bellisario
Summary: Sirius is not the man for every girl? Obviously, Jennian doesn't want him at all, as a matter of fact. But what can she do? ...just a little girl as she is... Oh, we all have our ways, don't we?
1. Default Chapter

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Skywards

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Chapter One 

I finally realise I'm not alone in the room. Sirius has sneaked in again, I guess. I do like it that way. He, coming to me in the dark, startling me as he approaches. 

Sirius always enjoys telling me that I remind the man of him. _I'm a dancer too_. Hell, it's not like I really want to be like him. It's his entire fault and he doesn't realise that. He's frustrating me. He infects me.

I hear a zipper being unzipped and after a moment I can feel his hands roaming over my body. He snuggles closer to me, breathing on the back of my neck. Maybe he's happy right now. Maybe he thinks that he satisfies me. I always hope his pleasure reminds him of who gave it to him. 

__

Sirius Black.

I think I love him. I think he hates me. I think he adores me, still, hates me. You know how it is. 

He moans my name into my ear and his weight is upon me. I gasp.

"Slept tight did you?" he says smugly. Right bastard, he is. He knows that I need him. That's unfair. _Unfair._

"And you couldn't, I guess?"

"Nope... My dear, I really couldn't stop thinking about you. Thought that I'd give you a visit." He's kissing me now. Handing out suck marks as if I deserved them. 

"You've got no shame in you, sexy" is all I can say.

"Neither do you", he replies and I know that's very true. I don't like it when he's right. And he's always right. 

I wonder what people would do if they knew. I wonder what they'd say, how they'd react. Abandon me? Now come on, that's... wonderful. Wonderful.

A delighted laugh boils up my throat. Sirius thinks it's for him and I decide to keep on smiling. 

What would happen if the whole world was filled with people like Sirius and I was alone among them? I can almost imagine the feeling of being completely at home and still so disgusted by it. 

Sirius doesn't know that I despise our relationship and he doesn't know that I'd rather die than to live without his touch. 

There he lies upon me. He's heating me. Yes, he even dares to tell me how cold my body is and doesn't even consider the thought of asking for the permission to warm me up. I guess it's all right though. I could play my hard-to-get game during the days, if I wanted to. During nights he comes and I let him do whatever he wants. During day, I let him need me, as I know he wants me. And I know he's not the only one. He knows it too. That's what I find so damn entertaining. 

I wonder what it's all about. His ways of action that tells me that he is older than I am, that I am the little one in his arms. That I'm not struggling though maybe I should. Is that what he needs to prove?

Once I made the mistake of telling him to leave me alone. Well, he hit me. I've never seen him so angry before. And then he left me, indeed, he did. But I could feel him cry sometimes when I imagined him next to me. I sense him, he doesn't know that, but I do. Anyway, he came back after some time, begging, because his sheets were too cold and his heart too crumpled. Perhaps he needs me too. No, what Sirius needs is a tight one, a pair of fleshy, red lips and big seducing eyes. He wants a pretty woman and I can't understand why he choose little me instead. Dumb ass. Why did he choose me? 

In the beginning of us I thought I was very happy. Very pleased with myself for finding someone so enchanting. But as time came and went I grew tired of using him as a shelter from the truth of myself. I wanted to stop him coming to me because I thought _I_ used him. I was quite wrong to think that he would ever leave me, whether I wanted him to or not. Don't you know? I want him out of my life more than anything. But it's like smoking I guess. He's my _beloved_ drug, rushing through my body as he comes. 

__

Sirius Bloody Black.

I keep on telling myself that I love him. I do. I love him. I do. And he adores me, I know. The problem is that I want to hate him and he wants to love me and none of us can do it. 

I'm scared of him. This lie is tearing me and he is fucking pleased with himself for reaching out to me and actually getting his silver hook around my heart. He caught me and he is so fucking pleased. He's so damn proud. His beloved golden cup on his stupid shelf. Sickening. 

And I need him so much. I don't want to think about Sirius going away. I shouldn't have to really. He will never leave me. And I will never leave him.

Because I can't. He will never let me_._

He's not asleep yet. He's mumbling something about pleasure_._ Yes, I think he, once again, enjoyed his time with me. 

Oh I'm just glad I can help. 

But in the sunset he will be gone. He'll be sneaking back to his own bedroom, leaving me here. I think he even promised me once that I would never be lonely because of him. God I hate it when he lies to me. Lies. Lies. Lies. God I hate him.

What about tomorrow then? Will I meet someone else? Will he buy me a drink, take me to his room and again will I hear a man whisper my name into my ear and feel a man explore me? Oh yes. Again I will be disgusted, once again, I will be thinking that Sirius is going to be so angry. I'll laugh. Laugh because I love upsetting him. I think he deserves some anxiety. Oh yes, he'll be so worried. What if I find him worse? What if this man I meet will beat him far away from me? What if he's not good enough? 

God, I hate him.

I want to make him angry. He'll hit me again. He'll make me spit in his face. He'll force me down and -

I know he owns me, Sirius, I know will never leave him. God, damn it, I'm his and he wants to make sure that I understand it. Why, the world is a simple thing.

Tomorrow is another day.

When my family and dad died Remus adopted me. Don't ask me how he managed to but I kind of wish he hadn't. If I had been put into the orphanage with the nuns I might have grown up to be a proper child with the right ideas of what is wrong and what is right. And maybe I wouldn't have come across Sirius in this way. 

__

Remus has never hurt me, thank goodness. 

But he doesn't say anything. I think he knows how Sirius thinks of me and I think I know what Remus thinks himself. 

I don't think I want to know. 

But Remus is the kind of man who gives me a hug from time to time. He wants to think that I'm still his innocent little child. And when Sirius comes over he doesn't say anything because it's his best friend. Remus can't say anything. I know he wishes he had Sirius position in life when it comes to getting something. 

When Sirius first told me to lay down and let him guide me through, I _wasn't_ scared. He thought I was, though. It annoys the hell out of me but Sirius shows me pity sometimes. Hell, everyone do. I am after all just a little nobody without parents, adopted by a monster. So very pretty, so very bright, what happened to the poor creature? 

What happened?

I remember the day Remus came to get me. He gave me a light hug and said, "Things'll be alright." 

I hate it when people lie to me. 

I didn't want my parents to die. Not my caretakers either. I'm not saying I want them back anymore - I just couldn't bare letting them see how I've grown up.

And people ask me how I handle the loss. People say that time comes, time goes and here I am, left alone. They say they feel so sorry for me. I appreciate their concern, I really do.

I guess I like to say that I depend on me, myself and nobody else. With my long and slender hands I could touch the clouds I think. But while I'm not looking someone could grab me from behind. _Always the same danger. _

I don't know who to trust and I know I want to leave.

And I know I never will...


	2. Mad World

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A/N: Re-uploaded chapter. I edited because it sucked too much. Not it sucks just a little. Ahem. You could always review and tell me about the changes, couldn't you? Very well, do as you wish. I'll be posting the third chapter soon.

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Chapter Two: Mad World 

He's gone...The foul dog left me again. Damn it, I knew it. I am not surprised. 

Nope. 

__

Don't you make me say I'm damn sad because of it. I have myself to blame. It feels good. I'm aware that my heart's a little whoreand you needn't tell me. Shall he leave me some coins on the bed soon? 

All around me are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces...

It's one of those bright days, you know, when the birds sing and there's sunshine. 

Remus says good morning. I don't answer. A short moment of thick silence passes us and I change my mind because maybe he deserves some... something. 

"Morning, love", I say then, knowing I'm a stupid girl. And I think we all know it's never good. He hands me a cup of coffee and looks concerned. "What?" I spit out and glare. "What is it?"  


"Are you feeling well today?" 

Maybe I'm pregnant! Maybe I'm splendid. 

"Give me that ciggie... please." Father Remus has always tried to teach me how to be polite. 

Now he doesn't object when I ask and lights it for me but frowns. "I don't like this love. I- "

I don't need that now. I rest against the wall and sip on my hot liquid. My tongue gets burned. I smirk. 

"Jennian?" 

"Remus?"

"How are you today?"  


"I'm well. No cancer."  


Remus laughs weakly. "Good, good." He licks his lips. I watch his tongue sweep over them like a nervous snake. He eyes me, blushing. I sigh and look the other way. Does he want me to put cloths on? Is he going to say something? Or just try to ignore?

"I guess it is quite warm today." He sighs. And the sky is grey. 

"Very."

"Jennian?"

"Remus?" 

"Are you sure you're fine?"

"Are you?"

He wants to say no. He wants to cry and beg and scream that NO he isn't fine. Nothing is. Will never be.

"Good lord!" he screams, suddenly very furious and pale and frightening. "Can't you answer me?"  


"I thought I just did?" 

"Honestly", he murmurs and walks out of the kitchen. 

I smile at his back. Wonder where he's going now? What's he got do except for being with me? It's vacation, damn it. He'll go back to Hogwarts soon. In a few days I believe. Wonder what Sirius'll do. Hope he doesn't come over. Hope he will. Not. Yes. Fuck. Fuck him, fuck me. Shit happens and here I am, bitching around with Remus, the poor guy. 

Bright and early for their daily races. Going nowhere, going nowhere

What's my problem?  


Heaven smiles and here I am... bitching around. 

Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow. No tomorrow, no tomorrow

My owl Liana pecks the window with her golden beak. A pile of letters is bound to her leg and I let her in.

There's one from Hogwarts - no two - One for me and one for Remus. And then I find one from Sirius and one from Stella. _Best friend. Soul mate. _And all that shit.

Just before I begin to rip open the envelope with the Hogwarts seal on it I stroke my finger lightly over the glaring, green snake. I think I can hear it hiss at me. 

Yeah, I'm accepted. Now, I guess Remus would like hear about that. I gaze at his letter, lying on the kitchen table, shaking of importance. I know what it is. Sure I do. War. There's a war. There's a Dark Lord and I...

War? 

I look at Sirius' letter. I'll give that to Remus too. There's only Stellas' left now. I think she's got a funny way of saying I'm sorry. 

__

'The Gap is fixed, I think. 

Damn it. Damn you, the queen of them all. Damn you. Damn me, Chanternan avle Amberion, mistress of no one. 

Find some space for me!

Your Lady, Karma Loft' 

That's it. She's mentioning our names. Oh, now it's all right again. She's back. 

But? We have been friends ever since our miserable childhood - so long ago, wasn't it? - Now she might die, I know. Any day. anytime. 

Poor Stella, she doesn't know yet about the Lord. Oh, me. A pretty war. I can see my world whither away with a painful confidence. It all breaks down and there he stands, above them all. I'm lying by his feet, bleeding up and screaming out. And it's over.

And I find it kind of funny; I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.

I smile, quite softly, and walk out the door Remus disappeared through. _My_ Lord. 

He sits in the library, bent over a parchment. The quill in his hand is moving rapidly across it. Remus Lupin's such a recluse, such a wolf. He's such a man. He's not my father. _No_. Don't make me believe it. I've lived with him for years and years and - five years - he is not the same. 

He's a man now. Or maybe it's just me who grew and came to notice. Well, yeah, maybe that's it. So that would mean that I'm the one who's not the same? Of course I am the same. I have _always _been me. Like I am. 

How? 

I tap on his shoulder. Stroke his hair and his cheek. He turns to look at me and I see that he's been crying. 

And their tears are filling up their glasses No expression.

"Jen..." 

I have to hug him because he wants comfort. "Don't bring yourself down like this." I cup his face in my hands. He looks wary. My poor, my sweet Remus, are you that tired? Are you that sad? 

"Jen I..." He's trying to apologise, making me worried for once. "I love you Jennian. You must understand that."

"I do. Sure I do." I can't bring myself to say that I love him back. I just can't. I guess whoever brought my nature inside of me never thought of all the life living around. Oh, me. 

I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take when people run in circles. It's a very, very Mad World 

Remus unfolds his envelope and reads in silence. I watch his frown go deeper and deeper. Of course I was right. His eyes are blank when he jerks his head up and stares at me.

"The Dark Lord has returned." Remus stands up slowly and bends forward to kiss my forehead. Then he meets my eyes and whispers "Jennian... I have to go." 

Mad world...

On the first September I arrive to meet Stella on the train station. She turned eleven today and is therefore quite sour. You know some people have this kind of grudge against birthdays. I wonder where it comes from. A rough child hood maybe. Who knows? Who knows everything?

Anyway, Stella's even refusing to speak to Hannes - Hannes Dustfield - her great, great love. I swear he's a vampire. He's just got to be. He pulls my friend into his lap and sings for her.

Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday

Train rides. Locked up in a huge cage of steel. People say I've got a confused and freaked out mind but in my opinion trains are horrible. The kind of place where you get thoroughly stabbed right? It just won't do. 

Therefore, arriving at the station is such bliss that I have to smile a little. Stella looks at me as if I've caught on a fever and I seriously know that I fully understand her. 

Made to feel the way that every child should. Sit and listen...

I get sorted in to Slytherin. 

There's a filthy hat there and it tells me to be in Slytherin. Some people smile and jerk their heads up when they hear the name JENNIAN LUPIN but their bright expressions fade as they hear that she gets sorted into the damn devils house SLYTHERIN. I'm confused. What will Remus say now? What will Sirius do now? What would mum and dad think? What would proud Gryffindor dad and sweet Hufflepuff mum say about cunning Slytherin Jennian? 

I do not give a fuck. They're dead now, aren't they? They can't say anything. I'm still confused. 

Went to school and I was very nervous. No one knew me...

Since Stella is speaking to a silver haired boy, I take a look around. There's a man with shoulder length, black hair that's staring at me intently. What a beautiful man. His pale skin and dominant eyes instantly makes me attached to him. I have a slight feeling that such a first impression could get me into trouble.

Albus Dumbledore rises from his seat and he's not smiling. He finds it necessary to tell us about the war, how to hold on to each other, and to never loose faith. _I do_ know how it feels to loose faith. I gaze around the Hall again and my eyes fall upon something in a shadowed corner. Two eyes are glaring at me. Sirius is mad. He's disappointed. 

After Dumbledores speech, everyone is silent. 

I watch the boy who Stella spoke to. He's sitting quite close to me and introduces himself as Draco Malfoy with a glint in his eyes that I have seen before. The dogs' glare is getting heavier. A jealous dog in a shadowed corner? What is he but _nothing _to me? 

Malfoy eyes me approvingly and smiles as I finger on the silver cutlery. 

"Remus Lupins' daughter a Slytherin, hm?" His sneer is beautiful. 

"I'm not his daughter." There's nothing here to see. No, no.

"Not?" He's surprised. "How does this work out then?" 

"Mother and father died somehow and the man got a hold of me. I don't really know why."

Malfoy smiles. Oh Lord 

By the Gryffindor table sits Harry Potter, laughing, looking boyish, all though he's no younger than seventeen. Our eyes meet. I can't help but to sneer. Does he recognise me? 

Yes he does. 

He keeps his face blank, cleaned out from expressions. Boy meets girl. Girl hates boy. Boy is stupid. 

Fucking hero he is. I narrow my eyes at him and watch how a red shade is creeping upon his cheeks, making me very pleased. I'll get to him. I'll get to him for steeping into my house. I'll give him for intruding on my grounds. 

Girl meets boy. 

Severus Snape is his name. Potions master. Black haired, black-eyed Professor. His intent stare rocks me. 

Hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson. Look right through me...

I decide to think well of him as he gives our house fifteen points when I raise my hand and answer his question correctly. I can see the reason why Slytherins like him but not the rest of the school. He's wonderful.

Severus Snape. 

Sirius dislike him, I know that. He sometimes tells me what's going on; The latest news of his missions and that sort of things. That he has to work with that "Idiot Snape." 

Sirius trusts me. Why? I don't know. 

And I find it kind of funny. I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

Sirius is at the school. He's watching me, just like it always been. Late at night he once came to me. How dared he? I wish I could have screamed but, no, the rest of the school was asleep and I could have woken everyone up if I had objected to the man I hate more than anything this bloody world. The man I still somehow rely on and love with this wonderful, disgusting hatred. He knew that I would wake everyone up if I said no. That made everything so much better for him didn't it? Creature. Disgusting creature. 

I miss Remus. I miss my rock. Sirius is stirring up my world, shooting arrows of headaches and sickness at me. I want to go to bed and sleep and dream but _not _to dream of him, ever again. 

__

I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take, _when people run in circles. It's a very, very_

Mad World. 

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A/N I don't own the song Mad World by Tears For Fear. The version I heard was the last song in the movie Donnie Darko if someone cares. But that guy didn't write it. I think. 

Thanks to BRC, Ashleigh, LastOneDizzy and Fiona for being so very, very kind to review this. 

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	3. Every me and Every you

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A/N: Wow. I almost finished this. It would be nice if someone reviewed, to encourage me to write the fourth chapter and maybe even get this story over with. Heh. I'm almost there! 

Thanks anyhow to everyone who critiqued this far. 

Chapter Three: Every me Every You

I had a curious dream last night. And there was Stella and Draco and Remus and Sirius. 

I'm awake now and, of course, I remember everything. I believe it is somewhat a curse in the mornings to force yourself to re-experience all those things, all those things that you thought were foggy enough to slip unnoticed by. But they are twisted. Dreams. I've often wondered if the dreams are in fact reality and realty is imagination and everything you think is true is not and everything you find absurd is not abnormal and there you go, you find yourself completely right, completely perfect. All fitted and go-go into life and there's your future, don't waste it. 

I _like_ my version.

__

I'm all alone in space and time. There's nothing here, but what here's mine.

This dream, or this happening, was abnormal whether you say it was or not. As we all have gone and figured now, my Dark Lord speaks to me and - goodness - blesses me - quite roughly - when I'm asleep. I can't help it, but every night, his dagger whispers my name. 

But here was Stella. And Remus and Sirius and Draco and all those... 

Abnormal is something that in the eye of the spectator is not as it used to be. 

Stella kissed me, for one thing to start with. I guess I kind of like her even more now than before because of that slice of dream, or happening, as we might like to call it. 

And then came Draco. He put his arm around Stella's throat. His elbow was bleeding. I'm sure I didn't believe him when he told me that I did it. Why would I have done such a thing? 

Anyway. 

Sirius was there and he'd aged again. His raven hair was white. And I always loved that colour. It's my own - My own? He touched my face and he turned his back to me and I think I smiled but then I saw that face again. The not so straight road and the not quite clear sky. 

Remus came and begged for me to stab him in his heart. Again, he said. Asshole. He handed me the most beautiful dagger. Such a precious object. I decided that I wouldn't waste its beauty on the man and I asked him to do me a favour instead.

__

Carve your name into my arm

It's disgusting. With blood red letters it was spelled on my wrist when I woke up. 

And Remus didn't understand why I paid him such rage when I met him in the Dumbledores office, earlier today. He deserves it, damn it. Atleast I wish he did. Wish. Wish. Wish. We all do. Sometimes we all do. I deserve it, damn it. 

Hope he knows I'd die for him, if I had reasons enough. I do hope he knows that I love him. 

__

Like the naked leads the blind. I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind. Sucker love. I always find someone to bruise and leave behind.

Now then, for two weeks I have been here at Hogwarts. Sirius comes and goes, just like before. 

And I wonder... 

Who am I?

Why am I?

Am I the only one who doesn't understand? I never understand. I kind of made myself realise that, not too long ago. Oh, I didn't like it. 

__

Pucker up for heavens sake. 

I played my muggle mothers old record. - C'mon people now. Smile on, you brother. Everybody get together, trying to love one another... right now... 

It's useless, right? 

It was back in those days, with flowers in your hair, you sang about peace and love and understanding and you tried to make everyone happy and you hoped for the future to be bright and NO MORE WAR. 

At least that's what my sweet mum did during the late swinging sixties and the lovely seventies. Oh but then came the punk rock and she lost track of everything. Poor mum.

If you're going to San Francisco... 

I remember meeting an old man some time ago. His beard was long and he had round glasses and a toothy grin. He laughed all the time and rambled on about the good old days. He probably thought that I appreciated hearing about his old memories from my parents. The only thing I got out of it was the knowledge of that my mother smoked so and so much cannabis forty years ago. 

Glad to know she wasn't perfect, at least. I suppose won't have to walk in her footsteps then.

__

I serve my head up on a plate. It's only comfort, calling late. 

I read somewhere that tears means weakness and drinking it away always helps. But then again, the thought of an eleven-year-old alcoholic is quite pathetic. I think I tried the shit a tad bit too early in life. You know who poured it in to me, don't you? He's tall, dark and beautiful. 

But in the end, he's an ass. 

And in the end I love him. Still, hate him. You know how it is. 

__

Because there's nothing else to do...

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It's early in the morning and I'm watching over my love, sleeping softly. I step closer, because I have missed her while I've been gone. I long for the touch of my baby's slender hands. I long for the control I have over her. 

She turns over in her sleep, a sleep that obviously isn't heavy enough. Her lips are moving but no sound comes. Her breathing is rapid and she turns her face to me, eyes still closed. 

She's so dead white that it hurts me to see. I pick up my wand and whispers "_lumos_" as silently as I can. Her friend, someone I've met, is curled up in the bed next to her like a cat, looking peaceful. 

I sit on the edge of Jennians' bed. She will hopefully not wake up. My hand trembles over the limp body. Cold, I think, so deadly cold. 

__

Turn her over. A candle is lit, I see through her

My little one. 

I laugh. She's so helpless under me. It's such a shame she doesn't understand. 

__

Blow it out and save all her ashes for me

Christmas time was cold. I invited myself home to Remus and was surprised to find her there by the fire, glaring at me as I shook the snow out of my hair. I wondered why she looked sick, but forgot it when I later that evening lay in her bed. 

__

Curse me. I sold her the poison that runs its' course through her

She's sleeping heavier now and I dare to pull the blanket down, just a little. It's what I always expect to find. 

__

Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over, all over.

Another victim fell some days ago. The Thompsons are dead at last. Their son, Jonathan, is living without parents now. Soon after, the Death Eaters visited Dawn, my old friend, a single mother. They killed her daughter, Ana. And I'm broken.

As often as I can, I come to Remus, just to have someone to talk to, you know. He welcomes me with his tired smile and a warm hug and he says, "You're still alive, my friend."

See, it was with that thought in my head that I made my way to Hogwarts some days ago, so well aware of that I should concentrate on my mission that Dumbledore gave to me, but I didn't care, because I just wanted to meet Jenninan again. 

__

Watch me fault her

During the time I've known her, I have practised and become very good at ignoring the tone of her voice and the look in her eyes as she speaks to me, looks at me. 

I just imagine that she doesn't understand. 

Isn't horrible? She told me that she didn't love me. _Isn't_ horrible? Why the hell would she say something like that, without a trace of regret? She doesn't love me anymore. Perhaps she never did, but I don't want to think like that.

I grabbed her waist and held her down. "I've got other things to do than to play guardian for you, dear", I said. No, don't speak it. 

And the little girl laughed cruelly. She's good at that. "I'm glad you've find yourself a _new_ hobby, _dear_", she spat, proving to me what a pitiful dog I am. 

I glared back, not wanting to loose the fight. "Maybe you don't understand things like this." I was turning angry. It's what you can expect from someone that young. She wasn't there when Voldemort first started to play his... his horrifying game. It's what you can expect from children. They are confused, not educated yet unbelievable. All, incomplete, I wish to think. 

But she just laughed.

"Are you sure about that?" It was very dark and cold that night. A storm had broken loose some days ago and simply refused to lay itself down - I somehow compared this with my feelings for Jennian - We stood by the lake, behind a clump of trees. The hard wind flew through her untamed mane of white hair and her eyes were wide, making her look ferocious. Her skin had got paler, I noticed, paler than yesterday and the day before that. 

"You weren't there", I said slowly, squinting my eyes. "Don't forget that you're still young, Jen, darling." 

The corners of her mouth curled up in a smile and she turned to face the lake with a sigh. "Life will take such a turn when you are gone, Sirius."

"What's that supposed to mean then?" 

"Everything you think it does." 

I was offended, somehow, and grabbed her arm. Jenninan twirled around and I pressed her against me forcefully. "Why are you talking to me like this?" 

"Because you don't know what you're playing with." It was barely a soft whisper into my ear. I _felt_ as if she'd spit it into my face with an open, ear-shattering scream. I took a step back and eyed her up and down. 

Back in those days when people had their common sense kept well, they called it disease - they called it sick and drained. Now, when no one saw, it ran like the devil through her blood but something blessing in her mind. Who held the knife and made those marks she wore. Marks I had never seen before. Or maybe I had, maybe I hadn't. The seemed very red, very dark. I wondered where they came from. 

It was something dangerous, something very, very wrong. 

__

You're living like a disaster. 

"Oh, dear", I whispered. 

She said kill me faster, with strawberry gashes all over.

And she wasn't talking to me, I suppose. 

Days went, became weeks, then months. I came back to see her by Easter again and told her that I had missed her, met by a sneer. 

The number of people who'd died because of standing up against the Death Eaters was disgustingly huge by this time, bringing me further and further down into the dark feeling of failure, anger and hate. Lord Voldemort was _not _going to succeed - over my dead body. Yes, indeed, over my dead body. Ironic, because it's true and all, you know. 

I met her in the Forbidden forest on another rainy, cold night. The moonlight shone on her body, covered by some white cloth. She seemed delighted, in an extremely horrifying way, to see me. 

__

Called her over and asked her if she was improving. I have to care because it's my job as her man. I mean, it's my plight to protect my girl. 

__

She said, "Feels fine. It's wonderful, wonderful here."

But... Jenninan has always been a good liar.

Something has changed, I can tell quite clearly now. I recognise the feeling of panic as I watch her and it frightens me that this is supposed to be perfect, if only in my mind. She's no longer mine and I'm struggling to keep control over myself, to control my will to keep her, prison her, love her, but it won't work and I can only dream, wish, hope, believe but never know, that she is what she is supposed to be.

I've come to the conclusion that we are struggling in two different directions. 

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

I feel heavy. My hair is white. I feel tired because I've aged again. I turn by back away for a short moment and time has suddenly run away from me. I look down on my iron hands. Above me I see birds flying in circles. A house is burning with green flames somewhere far away. I run to see what's going on and find it to be my own house where I lived when I was a kid. Mother is standing in the doorstep waving for me to step inside. But I don't want to. Someone is standing next to her; it's not my father, because he's dead. I don't want to come. 

I feel like I'm the last one of my kind. 

Jenninan stands in a corner, laughing at me. She has never been this pale before, I think. I don't want to know who's behind her. I don't want to know why the streets are steamy, why my feet burn. Who's setting the town on fire? Who's responsible for everything I want, want to stop? I don't want to know anything, but I do. 

Maybe this is the town of our dreams. Maybe this is our future, with a Dark Lord above us all. And no one hears the screams, because we're only screaming at ourselves, that's all. We feel pathetic. We feel helpless. We _are_ helpless. 

I want to get out, but this is a dream and I cannot wake because I'm only dreaming, only sleeping, I'm not in control. I feel helpless. I _am_ helpless. I see a face and a not so straight road and a not quite clear sky and it's over, over, over. 

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

So there I stood, very confused and frightened of the world around me. In the summer night I ran home to Remus, prepared to warn him. But I found my Jenninan at the doorstep instead, wearing a soft smile. 

Hex me. 

Why wasn't this as it should have been? She was my precious. 

"It's wonderful to see you", I said and she laughed at my lie. 

"Indeed, yeah?" She turned her back to me and went inside. "Remus is home."

I wanted to hit her as I came closer, because she smelled so good. What takes the pain away but hurting? I lay my hand on her shoulder. It seemed very big, lying there upon her, the little one who gave no warmth from her body. 

"You've betrayed me." My grasp tightened. "Haven't you, Jenninan?"

__

I _told her I dreamt of a devil that knew her._

And she laughed and nodded as if she knew exactly what I was indicating to. My girl, she's got grey eyes, they pierce me as I try to rip my gaze away from hers'.

"You think so, don't you, Sirius?" 

"You have..." One more stab and the tears would begin to fall. Drip. Down. Fall down from my eyes, locked with the renegade serpent. She's corrupt, dishonest, sinister, mercenary, underhanded, praetorian, false, unethical, venal - I can't believe I want her. 

She nods slowly. 

"I have, haven't I?" 

"Remus!" I screamed out. I was scared, I admit it, I was damn scared. 

"Oh, but I think he's sleeping", she said. "Want me to go get him for you, so that you can cry out? He's a great shoulder, Remus, he really is." 

I nodded, feeling numb, but right before she was about to leave me I grabbed her wrists and turned her palms upwards. I cried, silently, and wished to kiss her. 

__

Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over, all over

"I love you." I tried to taste the words one more time. They felt good, just as I had expected. "And it's alright", I said, because I wanted it to be.

__

Watch me fault her. You're living like a disaster

"You're pathetic, Sirius Black." Her hands searched their way to my face, and she placed her palms over my closed eyes. "You need me."

This is not over.

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Ruby Reversal: Sure thing love! If you read and review my stories, I'd do thirteen assignments all for you. *blink* Honest. 

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Carson The Critic: What exactly is */*? O.o;

Hnn... She's not a prostitute. Kya kya kya. Sirius would never.. pah! No no... *shuffles feet* Err... no, she's not a prostitute. 

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BRC: *pats* Dun' worry. It'll be all right.

Greatest Goth Ever: Deep huh? Hehe... Oh reeeally? Thanks dear!

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